I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
