Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
