Can i not drive my cunt home
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
