Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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