Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
