I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
