a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
