just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
