i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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