I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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