if i can run in heels then i can drive
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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