hell yes lets make some ravioli
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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