I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
