I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
