Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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