I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
