How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
