The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My bed is full of blood and feathers
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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