I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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