I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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