I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
