Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
