New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
