My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
