Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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