When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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