I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
