Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dick very happy bro
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
