I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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