i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Drake has all the answers
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
