cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
