good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
