Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
