If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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