best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
