ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
