My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
