Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
