having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
