All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
