One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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