I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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