Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
