I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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