no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
