Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
