I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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