She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
