you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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