burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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